I feel ripped off. I read a book the other day which I thought was going to inspire and entertain me in a way that only good chick lit can, when instead it took my god mood and stoped all over it with its nasty, trailer park stilletos. I was expecting the usual girlie novel formula: Sassy leading lady, gay best friend and neurotic work colleague stumble through life with a dash of drama and flair. But what I got was light years away from inspiring.
The main character was cool enough. She worked at a TV station and lived in a nice pad in the city. The problem was, she spent 13 entire chapters bemoaning her tragic, boring existance as a - shock, horror - single woman. There weren't even any subplots, overbearing mums or crazy bosses to liven things up. This character's entire life revolved around finding and marrying any thing with a Y-chromosome. So how does her fruitless search end?
She dates her dorky neighbour for about 40 pages, despite the two of them having the sexual chemistry of a dish rag and soup. But eventually, her clingness does his head in and even the guy next door runs as fast as his reef sandals will take him. Oh yes, this fab leading lady gets dumped by a guy who wears universal footwear of swedish tourists. Which brings me to the point of this anecdote.
Why does a successful, 20-something-woman - fictional or otherwise - see single life as a time to hunt down a ring instead of a phase of fun and self-discovery? Why can't we relish our freedom and catch up with old friends instead of laughing at the bad jokes of the loser next door in the hope of scoring a date? Why can't we make the most of our independence and just be happy? Becausewe're lacking in single self-Esteem, otherwise known as SSE. Which is why we've got a big fat dose of it coming right up.
The SINGLE truth
If you thought ordering takeaway for one and a Lindsay Lohan DVD on Friday night was depressing, spare a thought for our medievel single sisters. If you didn't pair up in fashionable time back then, you were labelled a witch and burnt at the stake or drowned, which kinda puts things into perspective. The truth is, there's never been a better time to be young, free and unattached.
In the past year, independent women made up 15 percent of all home buyers and received over half of all uni degrees. Go back just 20 years and women couldn't even get a loan on their own, let alone earn the same wage as men.
"Society's gender roles have shifted dramatically over the past few years," says sexologist Dr Haya Bar-Noy. "Before, women were expected to get married and rely on their husbands, now they're encourage to pursue a career where they can express and experience social, emotional and psychological fulfilment. This menas they're more financially stable than ever before."
So why is it that even though women have never had reason to feel less desperate, our SSE is plummetting at lightning speed? because some girls still believe that, if they throw one toothbrush into their shopping trolley instead of two, everyone around them will run in fear of breaking out in the single rash.
"The reality is that it's a personal pressure, not a social one," explains Dr Bar-Noy. No one looks twice at singles these days. It comes down to how you feel inside, which is why throwing all your energy into the husband hunt, instead of looking after yourself, leads to unhappyville. The good news? There's no need to ship your couple dreams off to Kazbekistan just yet. You don't have to ban boyfriends to boost your SSE, just be more picky about who you can date. Why? Because you can!
"Thanks to women's independence, we no longer need a man to bring home the bacon, which allows us to be more selective in love," says author and dating expert, Sue Ostler. "After all, almost anyone can have a partner; it's a case of finding the right partner and not settling for anything less." In other words, don't stop to dating Mr Reef Sandals.
LOVE Your Solo life
"I'm happier living on my own and being single than I've ever been," admits Jade, 27. "It took me a while to feel like this because, after my boyfriend and I broke up, I scoured bars for potential husbands. But since then I've put all my energy into having a fabulous life, no matter what my relationship status, and I'm a much more complete person for it. Now I know that, when a great guy does come my way, I'll have years of self-sufficiency under my belt, which will make me better partner."
So how do you get to this happy place? Firstly, work out what's dragging your single vibe down and address it. Whether it's family pressure to get married, a past relationship felt unresolved, or smug coupled-up friends, just tell them their behaviour is not appreciated. You need to be open and honest with people because, nine times out of 10, they don't realize they're hurting your feelings.
Secondly, inject some spark into your career, health and education. Any guy will tell you confidence is sexy, so work on yourself and you'll attract more positive attention.
"By learning how to enjoy your own company, you're devoloping crucial life skill," says Emily Dubberley, author of I'd Rather Be Single Than Settle. "It's only when you're happy alone that you can be truly happy with another person. Otherwise, every relationship you have will be based on need, rather than want."
Also remember that you deserved to be spoiled - regularly. It's a lot harder to feel bad when you're in dulging yourself. Often we think about others so much that we forget to spend money on ourselves, pamper out bodies, accept a compliment, or pat ourselves on the back. And, if we do, we fell guilty about it. Don't.
Trying something new will also set you on the fast-track to happiness. Whoever said that variety is the spice of life was a dead-set genius, because change is guaranteed to slingshot your SSE into the stratosphere.
"Changing as a person is a lot easier when you're single," says Dubberly. "There's no one to hold you back, complain that you're not the same as you used to be, or object to your decision to suddenly ban all meat products from the fridge. You can evolve to your heart's content."
So, if the writer of the most depressing book in the world is reading this, here's a tip. Make your next character a little more inspiring and give her healthy shot of SSE, because that's the kind of girl we want to be. Maybe then I won't be so inclined to burn your book and dance all over the ashes.
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