5 love Mistakes smart people make

Dance around the most common love potholes couples fall into and say good bye to fights and failed relationships. 

1. Setting up House Too Quickly

Your story: “Adam and I met through a mutual friend – there was an immediate connection. We were totally obsessed with each other and I moved into his place after only three weeks. It was great at first – even the annoying thing she did, like leaving his dirty dishes in the sink, didn't bother me because I loved him. But after a while, the novelty of each of each other wore off and we started fighting. We’d have some doozies, mainly about my family. I guess we’d been so caught up in falling in love that we hadn’t stopped to find out the important stuff about each other.” Brenda, 26

Love lessons: It’s quite common for couples to become very besotted, very quickly. The problem is, for the first three to 18 months of most relationships, people have their loved-up glasses on and can’t make sensible decisions. “When couples first meet, they’re influenced by a need to hold onto that someone special,” says relationship psychologist Collen Gray.

“They often see what they want to see and don’t make time for important conversations about what they really want.” So what can you do? Make a different commitment, like holidaying together to test the waters first. Also, map out your future plans to make sure you’re on the same page. It may sound scary, but it’s better to know now than later. “The ingredients for a strong relationship are trust and congruence, and these don’t develop overnight – these things take time,” explain Gray.

2. Making Comparison

Your Story: “My boyfriend, Tom, and I lived with another couple, Merryn and Ben. They were all over each other all the time, constantly sneaking away for quickies and sharing jokes. I started focusing on every they did, asking, ‘Why aren’t we like that anymore?’. I’d force romantic situations, such as a romantic dinner, and then brag to Ben and Merryn about how good it was, to prove that we were just as in love as them. I soon forgot I was in my relationship and started believing I was in my theirs – it nearly ruined what we had.” – Jasmine, 27

Love Lessons: “Everyone’s relationship is different and making comparisons is pointless,” says Gray. “Not only does it take the focus away from your own relationship, but they’re often wrong.” Just because a couple look perfect doesn’t mean they still are behind closed doors. “The binding glue of any relationship is friendship, interest, affection and enjoyment,” adds Gray. “You really have to focus on these four things if you’re going to make your union work.” Talk to your partner about any concerns, think positively and do things outside your comfort zone. Making comparisons and laying blame is just lazy.

3. Seeing Everything From Only One Side

Your story: “ My friend, Viv, and her husband, Brett, had a rocky engagement. They argued all the time because she’d spend hours organizing their wedding while he’d be at the pub with his mates. After much pleading from her parents, they went to a relationship counselor and saw the light. Viv wasn’t telling Brett how she felt, while he was being unknowingly selfish. It took a third party to make them appreciate the other person’s point of view.” – Sian, 29

Love lessons: There’s a famous line in the flick Dumb & Dumber where Jeff Daniels’ character says, “I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something, I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention.” Can’t we all relate to that? “Not listening to each other is a huge problem for many couples,” explains Gray. “They’re so busy defending their point of view that they forget to resolve the issue at hand.” Writing your thoughts in a letter, talking through problems and staying good humored is the key to having an equal relationship. Don’t make mountains out of small issues; it takes a confident person to accept other people’s opinions.

4. Forgetting To Live In The Moment

Your Story: “Justin and I had been going out for five years and, during that time, we bought two properties. I was working ridiculous hours to earn enough to pay my half and this led to us not eating during or doing anything together. I was working so hard to sustain our future I forgot to live in the now. After we broke up, I traveled overseas and it was exactly what I needed – to live in the moment and be happy.” – Alana, 26

Love lessons: “If you ask a troubled couple what’s missing from their relationship, they’ll say quality time,” says Gray. “Most people sacrifice ‘couple time’ when they should be doing the exact opposite.” Shirley Smith, author of behind Closed Doors: The Truth About Intimate Relationship And How To Create Them, agrees. “Slow yourself down and don’t analyze too often.” We all make mistakes; trick to a love-filled life is putting time into overcoming them.

5. Living In Each Others Pockets 24/7

Your Story: “Grant and I met in high school. He loved music and was a bit of a bad-boy rocker. After a while, he started hanging out with my crowd and started slowly letting go of his old life. He stopped playing music, started dressing like a 40-year-old and even took a job at a finance firm. One day I woke up and wondered, ‘Who is this person?’. He’d lost his uniqueness, which was what I loved. We had a break, he went traveling, and now we’re married!” – Kate, 30

Love Lessons: Spending Every minute with someone is like indulging in rich food – there’s only so much you can have. After a while, your appetite changes and you want something different. “People need space to take time out and recharge their batteries away from other people’s demands,” says Gray. It’s flattering when someone wants to be with you 24/7, but giving your sole attention to anything isn’t healthy. Smith believes that people often mistake intensity with intimacy. “Intensity is when you have great sex and get along really well,” she says. “Intimacy is what good couples have – history, ups and downs and loyalty; it takes years to develop.”